References:
"Schizophrenia." NIMH RSS. N.p., n.d. Web. 02 May 2014. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/index.shtml
Schizophrenia." Mental Health America. N.p., n.d. Web. 03 May 2014.
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions
Pfeiffer, Mary Beth. Crazy in America: The Hidden Tragedy of Our Criminalized Mentally Ill. New York: Carroll & Graf, 2007. Print.
Smith, Melinda, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. "Schizophrenia: Signs, Types & Causes."
Schizophrenia: Signs, Symptoms, Types, Causes, and Effects. N.p., Feb. 2014. Web. 04 May 2014.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/schizophrenia_symptom.htm
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
White Walls
My parents have come to the decision that an institution is best for me. Personally, I don't think they could deal with me anymore. Their friends started asking questions, they complained about me even more, and maybe worst of all they didn't even ask for my opinion on whether or not I felt being in an institution would be best for me (Pfeiffer, 127).
I have no idea when or even if I will ever leave the institution. Since being here, I have learned to hate it. However, I can see why my parents were getting so irritated with me because I am getting irritated with the people around me. The doctors and employees here think I can't do anything for myself and think that I need constant supervision. What do they think I'm going to do? Run? The doors are locked! The only time I am allowed outside is in an enclosed area surrounded by other people whose intentions I do not know. The people here--many of them do not speak to me, but that is okay because I do not wish to speak to them either ("Schizophrenia." Mental Health America.). I can feel their eyes on me at all times, I can hear their whispers behind my back...The sounds echo, the voices carry, and the constant feeling of someone holding my arm makes me feel like I am in prison, like there is no escape, like these white walls are closing in on me...
My parents have only been to visit me a number of times (less than I can count on one hand). They seem happier without me, and I feel like they were planning all along to dump me here and be rid of me for good.
But maybe that's a good thing.
I have no idea when or even if I will ever leave the institution. Since being here, I have learned to hate it. However, I can see why my parents were getting so irritated with me because I am getting irritated with the people around me. The doctors and employees here think I can't do anything for myself and think that I need constant supervision. What do they think I'm going to do? Run? The doors are locked! The only time I am allowed outside is in an enclosed area surrounded by other people whose intentions I do not know. The people here--many of them do not speak to me, but that is okay because I do not wish to speak to them either ("Schizophrenia." Mental Health America.). I can feel their eyes on me at all times, I can hear their whispers behind my back...The sounds echo, the voices carry, and the constant feeling of someone holding my arm makes me feel like I am in prison, like there is no escape, like these white walls are closing in on me...
My parents have only been to visit me a number of times (less than I can count on one hand). They seem happier without me, and I feel like they were planning all along to dump me here and be rid of me for good.
But maybe that's a good thing.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Isolation vs. Comfort
Well, here we go again I suppose. My psychologist agrees with my doctor about this blog thing so it looks like I will be posting on here quite a bit from now on.
Tonight my parents have friends over. I am currently hiding up in my room, trying to be invisible, as if I don't exist (Pfeiffer, 142). Sometimes it is better that way. I feel like my family and friends are embarrassed by me, their friends out to get me...
My emotions are becoming harder and harder to feel ("Schizophrenia." Mental Health America.) as the days drag on. I feel more isolated than ever--and it is all my fault, my doing ("Schizophrenia." Mental Health America.). I am pulling away from the people who supposedly care about me because to be alone is more comfortable than to be surrounded by people with unknown motives.
I can hear them talking downstairs. Their laughter seems to be bouncing off the walls. I can't really remember the last time I had laughed like that. It feels safer to be alone yet it is so lonely too. I am less irritated, less confused, more relaxed...there is no one here to tell me that it's all in my head, that none of it is real.
I can overhear my parents talking at night when they think I am sleeping. They are talking about institutionalizing me. They say it will "give me the help and care that I need." That it will "help me get better."
What if I can't get better?
While that question haunts my mind, another one is more pressing: what if they never come back for me?
Tonight my parents have friends over. I am currently hiding up in my room, trying to be invisible, as if I don't exist (Pfeiffer, 142). Sometimes it is better that way. I feel like my family and friends are embarrassed by me, their friends out to get me...
My emotions are becoming harder and harder to feel ("Schizophrenia." Mental Health America.) as the days drag on. I feel more isolated than ever--and it is all my fault, my doing ("Schizophrenia." Mental Health America.). I am pulling away from the people who supposedly care about me because to be alone is more comfortable than to be surrounded by people with unknown motives.
I can hear them talking downstairs. Their laughter seems to be bouncing off the walls. I can't really remember the last time I had laughed like that. It feels safer to be alone yet it is so lonely too. I am less irritated, less confused, more relaxed...there is no one here to tell me that it's all in my head, that none of it is real.
I can overhear my parents talking at night when they think I am sleeping. They are talking about institutionalizing me. They say it will "give me the help and care that I need." That it will "help me get better."
What if I can't get better?
While that question haunts my mind, another one is more pressing: what if they never come back for me?
My Reality
They say that writing these posts will help my disorganized mind ("Schizophrenia." Mental Health America.). Personally, I find that simply writing down how I feel, what happened to me today, what my friends and family think...I don't see how it will help me at all. My doctor says he thinks it is a good "release" for me, a good way to "organize myself."
If it wasn't for my mother I would not be writing this write now.
Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated with the people around me. How can they not see them, hear them, feel them ("Schizophrenia: Signs, Types & Causes.")? I tire of hearing "those aren't real" or "you're seeing things again" or "stop talking about that, you know that they aren't real."
To me they are real ("Schizophrenia." NIMH RSS.). The people I see, the voices I hear, and the fingers crawling on my skin...they are all real to me. But no one really seems to understand that.
My friends get angry at me when I can't seem to put my words together. My mother gets irritated when I forget to do something she's asked of me. My father complains about how expensive my medications are. My best friend doesn't seem to want to be around me anymore.
Sometimes the only thing I really wish for is to be normal.
If it wasn't for my mother I would not be writing this write now.
Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated with the people around me. How can they not see them, hear them, feel them ("Schizophrenia: Signs, Types & Causes.")? I tire of hearing "those aren't real" or "you're seeing things again" or "stop talking about that, you know that they aren't real."
To me they are real ("Schizophrenia." NIMH RSS.). The people I see, the voices I hear, and the fingers crawling on my skin...they are all real to me. But no one really seems to understand that.
My friends get angry at me when I can't seem to put my words together. My mother gets irritated when I forget to do something she's asked of me. My father complains about how expensive my medications are. My best friend doesn't seem to want to be around me anymore.
Sometimes the only thing I really wish for is to be normal.
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